About 15 years ago I made a small change in my operating system and have reaped the rewards ever since. I like to take advantage of every opportunity that life offers, spending time with friends, family, adventures, learning-the list goes on. The challenge: how to manage things that take place at the same time. Which to choose? My answer used to be both! So what if I am a bit late or cause some irritation - I can make it right. Or so I thought until I got snared for something quite minor that caused a friend to be upset, which she expressed in no uncertain terms. It hit home at the right time, as I was definitely feeling the stress of constant juggling.
I needed to figure out why I was willing to cause myself and others undue stress. It didn’t take a deep dive to uncover why I was willing to create anxiety for myself and others in my everyday affairs. Once I did, I decided to stop double booking and overlapping and stretching myself and others. Today that decision is a gift that keeps on giving and provides ongoing relief!
This lack of clarity shows up in so many aspects of our lives. There is nothing nefarious going on, most of us genuinely try to be kind and considerate. We believe we avoid conflict by not stating our thoughts and feelings clearly and by avoiding direct requests that meet our needs and expectations, but we just end up full of resentment and disappointment.
When things bother us at work, we talk about each other but not with each other. We tend not to explicitly address the issue but dance around it, using way too many words. All of this contributes to anxiety, lack of trust, discomfort and ultimately fuels the fire of conflict in our professional and personal lives..
Here are a few ideas that can help you be clearer and kinder:
Get clarity for yourself first - know what you want or need before you engage with another person about your thoughts or feelings.. If you can’t do this for yourself, ask a friend, family member or work colleague who sees things from another perspective. Think beyond what you know, ask questions, get more information about what you know, think and need before trying to engage around or solve the issue with another person.
Preparing for a difficult conversation is always helpful. Decide on what you want to say and then practice saying it out loud succinctly and directly. This is a helpful technique to ensure that you don’t stray from your message and get caught up in justifications and excuses.
Be authentic, sincere and as transparent as possible, not couching your message with an agenda that only serves only your interest.
Approach a difficult conversation from a place of curiosity with an open heart and mind. This doesn’t mean you shy away from your message, but consider how you communicate or what you communicate when you learn more about another’s point of view.
It doesn’t have to be one and done. You can agree to explore the conflict in stages., Give each other the time to reflect and return with thoughtful ideas. Above all, be respectful; there are always at least two sides to a disagreement.
Go for the win-win and not the win - there will likely be more sustainable shifts and productive interactions if both parties feel good about the outcome. That can even apply to bad or unpleasant content.
Remember that it’s not what we say but how we say it that typically gets us in trouble.